Not really feeling it.

Yes, it’s NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month where writers try to write 50,000 words in a month). Yes, I will write a lot this month (probably more than 50,000 words). No, I’m not actively participating this year. I have my reasons. Mainly I need to focus and write as much as possible with as few distractions as I can handle.

But here’s the issue. I’m not really feeling it at the moment. I took last week off (7 full days) from writing and I read a LOT! I finished 5 books, 2 short story anthologies, and a couple novellas. When I want to, I read rather quickly. Something happened in the middle of all that reading. I checked my sales for the year, the hits on my blog, and the numbers of reads over at wattpad.

Sales are pretty much flat. 3-5 books a month. Wattpad, I think I’ve had a total of 500 reads across all the stories I posted (V&A Shipping had 100 parts so 300 of those would be 3 readers.). The blog? Well, I did cross 10,000 page views, but again, we’re still around an average of 3-5 hits per day and many of those look like they fell on the page rather than came here to see who I am and what I’m doing.

So as I was typing away and finished off Golden West Season 2 and started into Asteroid Bunnies (something I put on hold for a bit but will jump back in once I re-plot the entire story) I took a long hard look at my body of work and the works I was reading. Books and stories by people I admire. Some were freaking awesome, some were fair, one was just not my cuppa tea.

Regardless of what I read or how I read it, I couldn’t shake that feeling that I must be doing something wrong. I felt like a fake, a fraud, a poser, a wannabe, someone who was just going to crank out garbage for a long time and never really write something worthwhile. I, for a moment, lost the desire to write at all. I honestly thought about just tossing in the hat and saying “screw it, why bother any more?”

I know, I know. It’s a long hard road to get the attention of readers. It’s never an easy thing. It’s difficult to finish writing a book. It’s harder to edit that book and make it something you want other people to read. It’s soul sucking to put something out there and seeing so few people even interested.

So I fell into a funk.

But, today was a pull myself up by my bootstraps kind of day. I’ve already put down 1600 words and I aim to put down at least another 2000. Being that I had recently watched Pacific Rim and Real Steel, I felt the need to jump back into my giant robot story. I spent two days with 300 words per day as I re-read, cleaned up, and prepared to move forward. I’m excited about the story once again and I can’t wait to jump in and get this one going in the direction I want it to go. I’ll probably sit down tonight and start mapping out the chapters (something I should have done prior to NaNoWriMo). I’ll get 5-10 ahead and start writing. It’d be nice to knock out another 2000 tonight and actually be getting caught up to that 50,000 words.

My favorite daughter has an off period from volleyball and that will give me some much needed time to actually sit and write and not worry about jumping up in a few minutes to take her somewhere. I’ll be able to define a period of ‘office hours’ that are my time to sit and write.

And no, I won’t be writing like a madman just to write 50,000 words. I know many look at NaNoWriMo as pressure to write 50,000 words and to some people that feels like a lot of words. If I’d stayed on track this year (instead of losing over 6 months of writing time due to many life issues) I would have written over 300,000 words thus far. As it stands, I’ve only written 168,000. I’m still happy with that number and I know I’ll easily break 200,000 words on the year and I’ll be on track to make great progress next year.

Yes, I had feeling of doubt, self-pity, regret for all those lost days. I felt as if I’d let people down. I’d not put out books when I said they’d be out. This made me feel terrible, and I’ve now moved past that. I will be getting those books out as soon as possible. I will be getting a LOT of words written before the end of the year. I will do all these things and try to get myself back on track. It’s an exciting time. For a moment I lost the excitement, but I’ve regained it and it’s time to put the pedal to the metal and see just how fast I can really type.

I will still be quiet. Sorry, but I need time to get my mind back on things. I do have one announcement that will be coming out later this week about an anthology I’m in. I’ll probably put that up tomorrow. I’ve already read all the stories in the anthology and if you found me because of the anthology, WELCOME! Sorry this post was a drag. I’ll be more upbeat in my subsequent posts.

Well, I’ve got words to write. If you want a free ebook (one I’ve written 😉 ), email me what you’d like and I’ll send it in the format of your choice.

Until Next Time!


Posted on November 6, 2013, in Blog Post. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Curtis Millican

    Your writing rocks…but should not control your life. You need to look at this as something that you are doing for yourself…once you get back to that you will read and enjoy your own works and then if and when others read it – it will be awesomeness. It’ll make it all worthwhile. You are an awesome writer – keep it up. I know that I enjoy your writing and wish that more people had the opportunity to do the same…now it is going to be where can you put it where mainstream day to day people can find it. The market is not always what you think it is…dream big!!!

  2. I agree with Curtis. Do it because you enjoy writing. Not because you think you have to. Remember, ya gotta live, too. 🙂

  3. Funny, I was feeling the same way last week. I’ll pull myself up if you do. 😉

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