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Weeds, Seeds, and Bee Vomit


The below post will contain scatological humor. If you don’t like poop jokes, stop reading at the warning! You have been warned.

I love my favorite daughter. I really do. I just need to disconnect my mind from what she’s putting into a blender and making me drink. I thought, yeah, this is just a passing fad. Sort of like when she was vegan for a month and then decided she REALLY wanted a carne asada burrito.

It’s not. This phase is lingering on. Not only that, she’s discovering more and more things to drop into the blender. She’s reading about this stuff online and then making me drink it. I think she views me as a science experiment. I don’t know where this rabbit trail leads, but I wonder how far she will take this.

So we started with spinach. I like spinach. I’ve always liked spinach. We’d have salads with lettuce and spinach. I get spinach. I get lettuce. They both have a pleasant flavor. A little salad dressing and we’ve got something enjoyable.

Then she discovered green smoothies. Okay, fine. Little spinach blended up with strawberries and banana. I can handle that. It’s all things with good flavor and it’s enjoyable.

Her green smoothies expanded. She discovered kale, collards, parsley, mint. Yes, yes. All green. And as I’d written before, Dandelion Greens. Those ever loving WEEDS! I still don’t get these. I understand that man can eat leaves the grow up from the ground and not in trees, but it’s still a weed!

She, of course, would on occasion add in a little honey. I’m not sure what this was supposed to help with, and she didn’t like it when I told her it was just bee vomit. She actually punched me when I said that.

So her next venture for green smoothies? Chia seeds! CHIA SEEDS! You know, those seeds you add water to and spread on your Chia Pet! These aren’t a food source! These are for entertainment. She’s got me eating little black and brown seeds in my green smoothie. These aren’t even green.

So with all this stuff getting shoved into my ‘green’ smoothie, I had to wonder, where did all the bananas and strawberries go? The frozen mango? The blue berries? You know, those things that blended so well together and made my smoothie taste like ice cream?

Then there’s the side effects of green smoothies. That’s right. I said side effects! Oh, don’t get me wrong. I understand there are benefits to drinking green smoothies. I just never knew the number of side effects that would add up as I drank these over time. I’m not sure if these effects will continue, but we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?

First off there’s my skin. I’m a guy. Guys have rough and rugged skin. They have HUGE pores and look manly. Well, drinking green smoothies I now have soft and supple skin. Hey! Wait a minute! How did this happen? I’m supposed to have dry, flaky skin in some spots, and greasy, oily skin in others. It’s been like that since I was a little boy. It’s worked out alright so far, why change it now? What’s next? Will my hair become shinier? Oh the humanity!

My sleep cycle. As a guy I like to get up a little early, but I don’t mind sleeping in from time to time.  Maybe the occasional nap here and there. Drinking green smoothies has thrown all that out the door on my. Now I go to bed and wake up BEFORE my alarm regularly. I don’t just wake up. I’m UP! I’m out of bed. There’s no more hitting snooze. Yesterday I accidentally got up at 4am! Yes, I just woke up. I didn’t look at my clock correctly and thought it was alter and since I was awake, I just got up. I did my morning business and by the time I was in the kitchen, it was only 4:15. IN THE MORNING! I read part of a book (finished up Joe Hill’s Heart Shaped Box), got caught up on my news feed, watched a couple youtube videos, plotted out my next book. Logged on to work. Woke up the wife and my favorite daughter. All before 6am. I’m not in the Army. I don’t want to accomplish more before 6am than most people do all day.  I want to sleep in, snuggle with my pillow, have dreamy thoughts. Instead I snapped out of bed like I had a purpose.

***Scatlogical humor will follow. If you don’t like poop humor, skip to where I have more bolding***

Now as a kid, I ate a lot of cake. Cake exists to get frosting into my mouth and I had a spoon near a cake, I’d scoop off just frosting.  I love me some cake, but I love frosting even more. Over the years I’ve discovered that frosting can do things to the body that no other food can (or so I thought). The darker the frosting (black, crazy dark blue work best) will turn your poop bright green. I mean REALLY bright green. You get up and look back down and think “did that just come out of me?” Well, green smoothies combine with salads for lunch and/or dinner will have much the same effect. Green going in, green going out. That’s just nature. It works with brownies, it works with greens, not so much with other foods. Let’s just say that I was a little surprised and I wondered where the cake was that I didn’t get to eat. Poop shouldn’t be green if I didn’t have me no cake! COME ON! CAKE ME! WHERE’S THE FROSTING!

***End offensive humor***

These are just a few of the side effects of green smoothies. I’m sure over the coming months I’ll discover more and I’ll make sure to present you with my findings and give you warnings so you know what to look out for should your favorite child decide it’s time for you to join them down the journey of drinking green smoothies.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Until Next Time!