Growing up, my dad loved to tell me what he called ‘Shaggy Dog” stories. I could never remember many jokes, but for some reason Shaggy Dog stories were easy for me to remember. We would sit by a campfire and my dad would tell my brother and I things like “Earwigs are called Earwigs because they get into you ears, burrow into your brain and lay eggs.” As funny as he thought this was, he always thought his Shaggy Dog stories were funnier. Some could go on for fifteen minutes or longer. I will attempt to type these from memory as they were told to me by my father (with some of my own embellishment) but mostly for your enjoyment. Feel free to share. I don’t know if any of these has an origin. If I do find one or if you know of the origin I will update the post with a link.
Enjoy! WOO WOO!
Little Billy gets ready for his first day at school. He heads into the kitchen where his mother is making him his favorite breakfast; pancakes and sausage. He eats with gusto as his mother packs his He-Man lunch box.
“Billy, are you ready for your first day of school? This is a really big day for you.”
“Oh yes, mommy. I’m very excited.”
Billy finishes his breakfast and his mother walks him out to the bus stop. When the bus approaches Billy’s mother leans in close and says, “Now, Billy. When I pick you up from school this afternoon, I want you to tell me everything that happens from the minute you get on the bus. Can you do that for me?”
“I sure can, mommy.”
Billy’s mom licks her fingers and slicks Billy’s hair back. She kisses him on the forehead and says, “I love, Billy. Have a wonderful day.”
“Thank you, mommy.”
The bus stops and Billy, wide-eyed and excited to keep track of everything, gets on and runs to the back of the bus. He waves to his mother as the bus heads down the road.
Later that day, Billy’s mother picks him up from school. She greets Billy with a big smile and kisses him as he gets into the car.
“How was your day?”
“Oh, mommy. It was the best day ever!”
“Well, I want you to tell me everything that happened from the minute you got on the bus.”
“Ok, mommy. Well, I got on the bus and I said ‘hi’ to the bus driver. There were pictures all over the bus of Bert and Ernie, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird. Oh, mommy it was so cool. We all called it he Sesame Street Bus. I ran all the way to the back and I waved by to you as the bus took off down the road.
“We were going along and singing songs and the bus came screeching to a stop. Then these two fat girls named Patty got on the bus.”
“Now, now dear. We don’t call them fat. That’s not nice. We call them Obese.”
“Ok. I’m sorry. Well the two Obese girls named Patty got on the bus. They sat down in front of me and the bus took off down the road again. We started singing songs again and having a really great time. Then the bus came to a screeching stop and on for Retarded Ross.”
“Billy! That’s not nice at all. People like that are special. Not retarded.”
“I’m sorry, mommy.”
“Well, Special Ross got on and he sat in front of the two fat girls, er, I mean the two obese girls. Then we took off down the road again and sang songs and we were having a really great time. Mom, it was so cool. We come to another stop and on got the weirdest kid we picked up. It was Lester Leese. He sat in front of Special Ross. Mom, Lester was so gross.”
“Why’s that, Billy?”
“He sat down and he took off his shoes and socks and he started picking at these big fat juicy bunions on his feet. It was all oozy and gross, mommy. I couldn’t believe it.”
“Oh my. So what happened next?”
“Mommy, I looked down the aisle. All the kids were on the bus and there they were, all in a row. Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Leese picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus.”