Weeds, Seeds, and Bee Vomit
The below post will contain scatological humor. If you don’t like poop jokes, stop reading at the warning! You have been warned.
I love my favorite daughter. I really do. I just need to disconnect my mind from what she’s putting into a blender and making me drink. I thought, yeah, this is just a passing fad. Sort of like when she was vegan for a month and then decided she REALLY wanted a carne asada burrito.
It’s not. This phase is lingering on. Not only that, she’s discovering more and more things to drop into the blender. She’s reading about this stuff online and then making me drink it. I think she views me as a science experiment. I don’t know where this rabbit trail leads, but I wonder how far she will take this.
So we started with spinach. I like spinach. I’ve always liked spinach. We’d have salads with lettuce and spinach. I get spinach. I get lettuce. They both have a pleasant flavor. A little salad dressing and we’ve got something enjoyable.
Then she discovered green smoothies. Okay, fine. Little spinach blended up with strawberries and banana. I can handle that. It’s all things with good flavor and it’s enjoyable.
Her green smoothies expanded. She discovered kale, collards, parsley, mint. Yes, yes. All green. And as I’d written before, Dandelion Greens. Those ever loving WEEDS! I still don’t get these. I understand that man can eat leaves the grow up from the ground and not in trees, but it’s still a weed!
She, of course, would on occasion add in a little honey. I’m not sure what this was supposed to help with, and she didn’t like it when I told her it was just bee vomit. She actually punched me when I said that.
So her next venture for green smoothies? Chia seeds! CHIA SEEDS! You know, those seeds you add water to and spread on your Chia Pet! These aren’t a food source! These are for entertainment. She’s got me eating little black and brown seeds in my green smoothie. These aren’t even green.
So with all this stuff getting shoved into my ‘green’ smoothie, I had to wonder, where did all the bananas and strawberries go? The frozen mango? The blue berries? You know, those things that blended so well together and made my smoothie taste like ice cream?
Then there’s the side effects of green smoothies. That’s right. I said side effects! Oh, don’t get me wrong. I understand there are benefits to drinking green smoothies. I just never knew the number of side effects that would add up as I drank these over time. I’m not sure if these effects will continue, but we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?
First off there’s my skin. I’m a guy. Guys have rough and rugged skin. They have HUGE pores and look manly. Well, drinking green smoothies I now have soft and supple skin. Hey! Wait a minute! How did this happen? I’m supposed to have dry, flaky skin in some spots, and greasy, oily skin in others. It’s been like that since I was a little boy. It’s worked out alright so far, why change it now? What’s next? Will my hair become shinier? Oh the humanity!
My sleep cycle. As a guy I like to get up a little early, but I don’t mind sleeping in from time to time. Maybe the occasional nap here and there. Drinking green smoothies has thrown all that out the door on my. Now I go to bed and wake up BEFORE my alarm regularly. I don’t just wake up. I’m UP! I’m out of bed. There’s no more hitting snooze. Yesterday I accidentally got up at 4am! Yes, I just woke up. I didn’t look at my clock correctly and thought it was alter and since I was awake, I just got up. I did my morning business and by the time I was in the kitchen, it was only 4:15. IN THE MORNING! I read part of a book (finished up Joe Hill’s Heart Shaped Box), got caught up on my news feed, watched a couple youtube videos, plotted out my next book. Logged on to work. Woke up the wife and my favorite daughter. All before 6am. I’m not in the Army. I don’t want to accomplish more before 6am than most people do all day. I want to sleep in, snuggle with my pillow, have dreamy thoughts. Instead I snapped out of bed like I had a purpose.
***Scatlogical humor will follow. If you don’t like poop humor, skip to where I have more bolding***
Now as a kid, I ate a lot of cake. Cake exists to get frosting into my mouth and I had a spoon near a cake, I’d scoop off just frosting. I love me some cake, but I love frosting even more. Over the years I’ve discovered that frosting can do things to the body that no other food can (or so I thought). The darker the frosting (black, crazy dark blue work best) will turn your poop bright green. I mean REALLY bright green. You get up and look back down and think “did that just come out of me?” Well, green smoothies combine with salads for lunch and/or dinner will have much the same effect. Green going in, green going out. That’s just nature. It works with brownies, it works with greens, not so much with other foods. Let’s just say that I was a little surprised and I wondered where the cake was that I didn’t get to eat. Poop shouldn’t be green if I didn’t have me no cake! COME ON! CAKE ME! WHERE’S THE FROSTING!
***End offensive humor***
These are just a few of the side effects of green smoothies. I’m sure over the coming months I’ll discover more and I’ll make sure to present you with my findings and give you warnings so you know what to look out for should your favorite child decide it’s time for you to join them down the journey of drinking green smoothies. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
Read Along: Paradise Palms: Chapter 45
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Myra
The mighty, terrible lizard. The king of all dinosaurs. A pure predator that combined all the killing strength and eating power that no other animal had ever possessed, and from this time period, none that ever would. It reigned on high with no predators of its own. It fed on the healthy just as much as it would feed on the weak and the lame.
Never would it wait in line for a meal. Other dinosaurs would make way for the Tyrannosaurus rex. Nothing got in its way. Nothing bothered it. Nothing was its better.
And Myra was standing nose to nose with it. It still twitched from the pain of the gun shots and flares, but Myra didn’t want to see the beast die. She didn’t have a death wish and now wondered what she was doing standing on the bottom of the car keeping Girlfriend from shooting it. What had she been thinking? She’d only gone up there to help Lin and Sam. She hadn’t intended to prevent Girlfriend from killing the monster. She certainly didn’t want to put Girlfriend at risk.
Instead, she’d screamed and put herself at risk. Here the thing stood and watched her with curious intent. Was it going to eat her? Would it pass by and go back to look for Girlfriend? No! It couldn’t go and look for Girlfriend. Myra blamed herself for not letting Girlfriend shoot it and therefore get back into the car and to safety. She certainly couldn’t let the thing go after her.
Did that mean she’d need to sacrifice her life in order that Girlfriend live? Would Girlfriend even survive? She was trapped outside with that thing still walking around. She had a gun though. Perhaps Myra should hide from this thing, and let it go and find Girlfriend and get a bullet in its head.
But its skull had bone nearly two inches think. The bullets couldn’t go through that, could they?
“Kneel down slowly,” Sam said from behind her. “And plug your ears.”
The T. rex shifted its gaze from her to Sam. Its expression changed. It actually had facial expressions. It opened its mouth and bellowed so loud that Myra thought her eardrums would burst. Even with her hands over her ears, the sound was so loud it was painful.
A shot rang out, but not from behind her. From down below. That shot had to have come from Girlfriend. A second shot rang out, this time from behind her. And another, and another, and another. Each time the beast roared and shook its mighty head as if it could just shake off the pain inflicted by the bullets.
Sam’s gun clicked. He was out of ammo, but the beast had stopped roaring. She felt Sam’s hand grip the back of her collar, weakly, but he grabbed her all the same. He pulled softly, and Myra got to her feet.
“You’d better get inside, now. That thing is going to fall.”
“What about Girlfriend?”
“Get inside!”
Myra made no further protests. She scrambled for the open hatch and dropped inside, not bothering with the ladder. She didn’t know if Sam was concerned about her life, mad at her for putting Girlfriend at risk, or just plain mad.
She had watched as Girlfriend gave him mouth-to-mouth and had never actually seen anyone use it before. The fact that it actually worked surprised her, but Sam had to feel like crap. He’d been dead, or as close to dead as a person can get. Now he was up and walking around and shooting a gun.
Tiger Lily did her best to help Myra get to her feet. “Are you alright?”
“I’m okay. A little scared and bruised, but I’ll be fine.”
“What’s going on up there?” Tiger Lily asked as she moved from Myra, who was fine, to Lin, who wasn’t so fine.
“I think they’re trying to kill it, but I’m not sure if they’ll have enough ammunition.”
The beast crashed to the ground with a massive thud that shook the car. Sam must’ve braced himself for the impact, for Myra didn’t hear him fall.
“Girlfriend!” Sam called out. “Girlfriend!” His voice sounded pained and weak.
All Myra could think was that without Sam, they’d all more than likely die. But with the car overturned, they would all die anyway. They had no way to get back. What were they going to do? She didn’t want to die out here. Well, she did, but not until she was old and gray. She didn’t want to die like this. Or be eaten. She wanted to study these creatures, not be killed by them.
She wanted to get up, but found herself hyperventilating. She cupped her hands over her mouth and put her head as far between her knees as she could.
She couldn’t focus on dying. She couldn’t. Everything would work out. They were all still alive. A little bit shaken, and a little injured, but everyone would live. They would all make it out of here. She just knew they would.
Myra closed her eyes and allowed her mind to drift away. A calm river by a cool field of green grass far away from any dinosaurs. Gentle mist cooling her body. Butterflies floating by on a mild breeze.
Myra sat up, her breathing and thoughts back under control. She watched as Tiger Lily, her own arm bandaged, tried to put a sling on Lin’s arm as Lin cried in protest. When Sam and Girlfriend started down the ladder, she stood to help them. Girlfriend didn’t appear to want any help, and Myra couldn’t blame her. She tried to say she was sorry, but now wasn’t the time.
Sam, on the other hand, had some choice words for her. “I should kill you, but that’s not going to help anyone. Get something to help Lin with her shoulder.”
Girlfriend added, “No, get something to help Sam. We’ve got to change his dressings and clean out his wounds. Where’s that medical kit?”
Sam took a deep breath, and fell to the floor. He didn’t pass out, per se, but he looked quite pale. All the action had finally caught up to him.
Myra made herself as useful as she could. She knew a little first aid, but mostly helped Girlfriend by handing her whatever she asked for. Girlfriend washed and restitched Sam’s shoulder and checked his leg. Girlfriend then moved to Lin. She made the girl sit with one shoulder against the wall while she lifted and pushed her arm back into its socket. Myra winced at the popping noise it made and Lin passed out. Tiger Lily hugged the unconscious girl.
“Get blankets for those two. They need to be covered so they don’t go into shock.” Girlfriend’s tone bore a serious and urgent tone. Myra did as she was told and even went as far as to wrap up Sam as much as she could in the blankets. A thought hit her.
“Girlfriend, we might want to check Sam for leeches.”
“What?”
“Well, most insects were fully developed by this time period, but they had an exoskeleton. We don’t know about leeches. They don’t have a skeleton or anything. It’s possible the water out there could contain them.”
Girlfriend looked more annoyed at this announcement, but nonetheless set to work removing the blanket and Sam’s shirt. Sure enough, a large leech clung to the middle of his chest.
“Help me get his pants off. We need to see if there are any more,” Girlfriend ordered.
“His pants?”
“If he’s got leeches on him, we’ve got to get them off of him. Now isn’t the time to be embarrassed.”
Myra, reluctantly, helped Girlfriend pull off Sam’s pants. She did her best to keep her eyes averted, but knew that she’d have to look if they were to find any more leeches.
They found a total of six on his body; only one in his crotch. The rest were easy to get to.
“I’ll get the salt,” Myra said as she started to get up.
“The what?”
“The salt. That’ll make them drop off.”
Girlfriend looked shocked. “Have you ever had a leech?”
“Well.” Myra shrugged. She’d always been afraid of swimming in lakes for just that reason.
“Just get me a jar or something to put them into.”
Myra rummaged around and found a small container with a lid. “Will this do?”
“Yes, fine.”
Girlfriend gripped the first leech by the body and ran her fingernail under the sucker, pulling gently as she did. In no time, the leech detached and she dumped it into the container as Myra watched with her mouth wide open.
“You might want to close that.”
Myra shut her mouth.
“I mean the container. They’ll crawl out of there.”
“Oh.” Myra felt stupid. She closed the lid and watched as Girlfriend removed all the leeches the same way. Sam had several small spots of blood that Girlfriend cleaned and covered with small band-aids.
“Let’s get him wrapped up. He can put on dry clothes when he wakes up.”
Myra helped Girlfriend wrap up Sam, then got him a pillow to put under his head. She was amazed at the beating he’d taken and yet still breathed and lived. That was all well and fine, but would he be able to lead them out of here and back home? Myra didn’t even know where they were or how close they were to rescuing Clive.
She shook her head. She couldn’t start to think about that again. Instead, she sat quietly with her back against the wall. Tiger Lily sat against the opposite wall, hugging Lin. They both slept.
Girlfriend sat down next to Myra. Myra cringed.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
Girlfriend shook her head. “Don’t be. I think I understand why you didn’t want me to shoot it. I’m just glad it didn’t get you.”
“Sam is a great shot. You too. Did he teach you to shoot like that?”
“He did. I don’t like to shoot at anything living, but he’s taught me to shoot a lot of different guns at targets. I figure, if I’m going to be part of his life, I may as well be a part of all aspects of his life, you know?”
Myra nodded, but couldn’t relate. Her life was her work. Always had been. She couldn’t imagine giving up anything just for a man.
“Still, I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt. I feel like the only reason anyone got hurt was because of me. I think that if Sam hadn’t stopped so I could see those eggs, none of this would have happened. We could have gone and found Clive and gotten back with no issue. This is all my fault. You should have left me at the cabin.”
Myra started crying. Girlfriend, surprisingly, hugged her. Myra hugged back and held Girlfriend tight, crying until she fell asleep.
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Read Along: Paradise Palms: Chapter 44
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Girlfriend
Girlfriend slammed her hand into the glass again and again screaming Sam’s name at the top of her lungs. Why didn’t he move? Why didn’t he get out of there? He had to move. He just had to.
The wounds in his shoulder had reopened, the blood stain testified that. The bandage hung heavy on his arm, soaked with mud and blood. He looked drunk, like his mind had abandoned him to his fate.
The tyrannosaur bellowed deep and loud and charged. The muscles in its massive legs propelled the beast toward Sam at frightening speed. It covered the ground in three strides and lowered its head. Girlfriend’s heart stopped with each pounding footfall.
“No!” Girlfriend screamed. Lin, Tiger Lily, and Myra, all by her side, watched in horror as the beast plunged toward the still figure of Sam.
Sam dropped to the ground, and rolled toward the water at the very last second to avoid being swept up by the beast’s mouth or torn apart by its massive claws. For an instant she lost sight of him, between the tears in her eyes and the dinosaur in her way. She wiped the tears away from her face and tried to find him.
“Where is he?” Myra asked seriously.
“Sam! Sam!” Girlfriend cried loudly as she pounded her fist on the glass. She couldn’t see him anywhere. Had the thing gotten him? Was it eating him right now? That damn monster was going to die for killing her Sam. It was going to die! “Where are the guns?”
“Look!” Lin cried. “In the water. I saw something pop up.”
Girlfriend planted her forehead against the window. “Where?”
The tyrannosaur turned and slowly stalked back to where Sam had been. It sniffed the ground several times and rocked its head from side to side. It gave a cursory glace to the water and sneezed, but didn’t search more for Sam. Instead, it approached the car again.
“There! In the water. Just off that thing’s left leg. See? His nose!” Lin pointed frantically.
Girlfriend did see it. Sam’s nose and mouth poked up out of the water, he took a breath, and disappeared back under the water. Through the murky surface of the water she couldn’t see him, but he must be able to see out. He had successfully hidden from the monster. He’d done it. Sam was alive.
The tyrannosaur headed back toward the car. The girls all moved back away from the window.
Girlfriend said as she scooted back, “Sam’s bleeding. He can’t stay out there long and we don’t know what’s in that water. If something smells his blood, he’s done for. We need to find the guns and a way out of here to get that thing out of his way so he can get back in here.”
“There’s a hatch in the floor at the base of the ladder,” Tiger Lily pointed up to the floor. Girlfriend now saw the tiny ring to the trapdoor that must be hiding the bottom hatch.
“All we need is a gun, flare gun, something to distract it with so we can get Sam back in here. He’s hurt and he won’t last long in that water.”
The car rocked violently and something popped and hissed. The thing must be chewing on another of the tires, Girlfriend thought. If they didn’t do something, and fast, they might be stuck out here forever. The only thing they had going for them was that the sun finally started to come up and they’d have enough light to see if anything else was coming. Perhaps they’d be able to see deeper into the dark woods they were now stranded by.
Girlfriend rubbed her temple. Her head throbbed, but she had to ignore the pain. She didn’t know about the rest, but she needed to know she could count on someone and she couldn’t afford the mental power to think of which. She would have to go with her gut.
“Lin, I think there’s a flare gun in the control box next to the driver’s seat. Do you think you can get to it?”
Lin looked up to the driver’s seat. “Myra, can you kneel down. I think if I stand on your back, I can reach it.”
Without question, Myra got on all fours beneath the driver’s seat. Lin climbed up onto Myra’s back and reached for the console. Her fingers could only touch the handle. She jumped and flipped it open, but when she landed on Myra’s back, Myra screamed and fell to the floor. Lin tumbled down along with all the contents, including the flare gun case.
Girlfriend didn’t waste any time to see if they were alright; Tiger Lily would see to them. Instead she snatched up the case and flipped it open. She loaded the flare gun and stuck a second flare into her pocket. When she put the flare into the gun, she noticed just how badly her hands shook. Sam had to be alright. He had to be. She had to save him. She had to hurry. She didn’t have time for shaky hands. She didn’t.
The rungs to the ladder were rounded and made for easy going, up or down. She placed the gun under her neck and fumbled with the ring of the trapdoor. Once she’d gotten it open, she set to work twisting the ring for the hatch. Her arms ached from holding herself up on the ladder and trying to do everything at the same time. Damn! Why is this taking so long? Girlfriend finally got the hatch undone and pushed. It didn’t open.
She pushed harder and the seal creaked and groaned in protest, but didn’t crack. It was nice they’d made the bottom of the car waterproof, but now wasn’t the time to have to fight with a hatch. Perhaps they thought it’d never be needed and sealed it off completely.
Pulling the gun out from under her neck, Girlfriend stepped up and put her shoulders on the hatch and pushed with her entire body. Everything hurt. Everything ached. Her legs trembled against the strain, but the seal cracked and the hatch snapped open with an audible pop. She found her head sticking up from the hatch and looking into the face of the tyrannosaur.
Just like a puppy, it cocked its head to the side and sniffed her. More curious than deadly. Girlfriend didn’t want to make friends with it and most certainly didn’t want the damn thing as a pet. She raised the flare gun and prepared to fire. She hesitated. The thing leaned in closer and sniffed again. Girlfriend couldn’t move. That massive head staring at her, analyzing her. Why? Was it trying to figure out if she was edible or not?
Sure enough, it opened its mouth and pushed its head closer to her.
“Shoot! Shoot!” Lin shouted from below.
Girlfriend shut her eyes and fired into its mouth. The thing backed up and shook its head violently, howling as it did. It took a small step backward, but that wasn’t far enough. Girlfriend reloaded the flare gun and took aim once again. This time she fired at its face.
Again the beast howled in pain, but this time it moved away from the car. It leaned down and rubbed its face in the mud. Once its head disappeared, Girlfriend climbed up onto the bottom of the car and shouted down at the water.
“Sam! Sam! Come on, Sam!”
Nothing moved. Where was Sam? Why wasn’t he getting up? Girlfriend looked across the water and tried to find Sam, but nothing in the water moved. She couldn’t see below the surface and didn’t know where he lay.
“Sam!” She screamed.
The tyrannosaur continued to rub its head in the mud trying to ease the pain from the flare. Girlfriend took the chance to climb down off the car and look for Sam. He had to be there. Why wasn’t he getting up? She edged nearer the side of the car. A wary glance at the tyrannosaur and she shot down the ladder and ran for the water to where she thought Sam should be. Frantically she tried to part the water with her hands and find him. He had to be there. He had to.
Her foot nudged something thik and heavy. She reached into the water and pulled Sam’s head up. He didn’t move. He didn’t breathe.
“No! Sam!”
She slapped his face. His body was still warm. He couldn’t be dead. He just couldn’t. Girlfriend tucked her hands under his armpits and pulled. Slowly his body moved. She didn’t have the strength to pull him out of the water. She fell backward and landed in the water causing Sam’s head to dip back under the water.
Lin appeared at Girlfriend’s side. “Come on. Let’s get him inside.”
Girlfriend wanted to smile. To say “thank you.” To do anything, but it took all her strength just to get to her feet and pull up Sam by one of his arms. Lin amazed Girlfriend by her strength and obvious fearlessness to come outside with that thing out here. She even had a small bit of blood running down her head where something had hit her.
Sam’s body came out of the water and as soon as he was on dry ground, Girlfriend dropped him to the ground. Lin also let go and his body hit the ground with a wet grunting gurgle. Water dribbled from his mouth.
She tipped his head to the side and ran a finger through his mouth, then checked for a pulse by putting two fingers on his neck.
“What are you doing?”
“There’s no time to pull him inside. We’ve got to revive him here. I’m getting a pulse.”
Lin’s eyes widened. “You’re going to do that here?”
“I have to.”
Girlfriend pulled Sam’s chin open with one hand and put her other hand on his forehead and took a deep breath. She blew as hard as she could into his open mouth.
Lin disappeared. Girlfriend couldn’t worry about that. She had maybe a minute to get Sam moving. If she could just get him revived enough to get onto his feet and moving, she could drag him into the woods and they could hide.
Again she blew.
Sam’s body hadn’t cooled significantly. He had to be alive. He just had to. She couldn’t let him go. Not here. Not like this. They were supposed to travel together, but not die the first time they’d gone somewhere. They were supposed to be happy, not afraid for their lives. She wanted to marry him. Have his children. She sounded so trite. His life was in danger and she could only think about herself and having kids.
Another breath.
“Come on, Sam. We don’t have time for this. You have to get up. We’ve got to get moving.”
Breath.
Sam coughed and rolled onto his side. He was alive! She’d done it. Sam would live. If only she could get him out of there.
“Get up, Sam! We’ve got to get moving.”
“Where? What?”
“Get up!” She yelled again.
Sam struggled to his feet. Then Girlfriend saw where Lin had gone. She’d retrieved the gun from under the car and had the tyrannosaur in her sights. She obviously didn’t know how to fire a gun. If she shot like that, she’d dislocate her shoulder. Girlfriend raised her hand to tell Lin to stop, but it was too late.
The gun shot backward, but the bullet flew true. It crashed into the beast with a spurt of blood; a chunk of flesh dangled from where the bullet had done its damage. It howled in pain again.
Lin had crumpled to the ground, clutching her arm.
“Get into the car. Get into the car,” Sam said with a strained voice. “You two go first.”
“I just saved your ass. Get the fuck in that car and do it now!”
“You need to help Lin. I’m going to take another shot at it.”
Sam half walked, half stumbled over to the gun. Girlfriend wanted to argue. She’d just saved his life. She didn’t want to see him risk it again. He didn’t have to prove anything at this point. They weren’t helpless girls to be saved. What was he thinking?
She strode past him and took up the gun. “I’ll take the shot. You two are in no condition. Get inside.”
Lin lay on the ground crying as she gripped her shoulder, her arm limp. She’d really dislocated it. Sam did the best he could to help Lin to her feet and onto the ladder. He climbed the ladder right behind her to make sure she didn’t fall. Girlfriend was thankful that he wasn’t being pigheaded about the whole situation.
She raised the gun and took aim. The thing, just like a dog that’d been stung by a bee, licked and bit at the area where the first bullet had hit it. Where would Sam shoot it? The chest? Hoping for a clean shot to the heart? The head? Blow its brains out? Where?
The scope of the gun only confused where she wanted to shoot. Looking around it, she raised the butt to the crook of her shoulder and raised her elbow to make a tight fit and not allow the gun to jump and hurt her. Sam had spent a little time teaching her to shoot, she just never thought she’d be taking aim at something alive.
She took the first shot at the head, but could see that the bullet only bounced off. She should have known the skull would be too thick. She cocked the bolt and reloaded the chamber and took aim at the body. The beast took notice of her. Not something she wanted.
“Don’t shoot it!” Myra shouted from the top of the car. “Just get inside and leave it be. It’ll go away. I’m certain of it.”
It wasn’t going away. The thing charged at Girlfriend just as it’d charged Sam. Myra had distracted her long enough for the thing to charge. Girlfriend, gun in hand, ran around to the front of the car. If she was lucky, the thing would run by and –
Myra screamed.
Girlfriend put her back to the front of the car and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to see. She didn’t want to know. But deep down, when the scream stopped, she knew what had happened. She knew.
But I just want to sit and write
I just want to sit and write. I want to be left alone so I can sit and type and write and enjoy myself. I don’t want to be bothered with anything. I just want to sit and write my words. I want to write like the wind. I want magic to flow from my finger tips and everyone will love what I write.
And edit.
I want the words that flow from my fingers like magic on the wind to be readable by others so I just want to sit and write and then edit my words and make people happy with what I’ve written. I don’t want to be bothered by anything else. I just want to sit and write and edit.
And make book covers.
I want to words that flow from my fingers like magic on the wind to be readable by others and wrapped in a pretty wrapping to entice those readers to by my books. I want them to see the awesome cover and think to themselves, I must have that in my collection. I must know what magnificence is contained within these pages. This person must be a masterful writer. That’s all I want to do; sit, write, edit, make book covers.
And publish.
I want to words that flow from my fingers like magic on the wind to be readable by others and wrapped in a pretty wrapping to entice those readers to by my books and for them to be able to find the books that I write. If I don’t publish them, the magic that flows from my fingers will be lost to the the winds of time if I don’t publish them. How will new readers ever know I sat my magnificent self down if I don’t publish my works? I must send them out into the world to be enjoyed by everyone! So I just want to sit, write, edit, make book covers, and publish.
And Market.
I want to words that flow from my fingers like magic on the wind to be readable by others and wrapped in a pretty wrapping to entice those readers to by my books and for them to be able to find the books that I write and I want to tell the world about what I’ve done. What good is the magic that flows from my fingers if no one knows what I’ve done. It will be like sending chaff onto the wind. Unless I tell people I am spreading chaff unto the wind to spread its magic, no one will ever know. I cannot have my words lost like that. Therefore I will sit, write, edit, make book covers, publish, and market.
And Track.
Me: Wait, what? What’s all this? I just want to sit and write.
Inner Self: Jay, if you don’t track what you’re doing, how will you know if you’re successful.
Me: Doesn’t someone just ring a bell every time they buy a book or something like that?
Inner Self: If you don’t track your sales, you’ll never know if you’re being effective or not.
Me: I just want to write.
Inner Self: Fine, then just write, but you’ll never know what could have been.
FINE! I will sit, write, edit, make book covers, publish, market, and track my sales! I will do all of these things and report back to my readers to they can determine the level of my success! The magic that flows from my fingertips shall be enjoyed around the world by the masses. Fame and adulation will be mine! Because I chose to just sit and write (and all those other things).
Read Along: Paradise Palms: Chapter 43
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Sam
Sam concentrated as hard as he could on the path of the front loader in front of him. The smacking and grunting from the bed near him made him want to turn his head in curiosity, but the girls obviously needed some privacy. He wished Girlfriend would appear and take his mind off those two.
When it finally stopped, it felt like it lasted hours, but was only a few minutes, he heaved a sigh of relief. He didn’t hate gay people. That was their choice, but he’d never experienced it first hand. He might have had a different reaction had it been two men, but two women didn’t seem as bad to him. He couldn’t quite explain why. Having nothing but the rumble of the car to keep him company now, he tried not to dwell on it.
At least Tiger Lily had something, or better yet someone, to keep her mind off of her injury now. He was going to need either Lin or Tiger Lily later. Doc had explained to the two of them how to use all the fancy equipment and satellite uplink and all that, but for now, they needed their time.
Sam rubbed at his own injured shoulder. Damn dinosaurs. Myra had probably been ecstatic to see them in action despite what had happened. She’d even brought one of those damn things into the car. Sam was thankful it was dead. They didn’t survive for a reason and it wasn’t their place to take them back to the future. Why had he stopped? Everything would have gone so much smoother if he’d just kept going instead of letting Myra get a look at that nest.
He wanted to make Girlfriend happy, that’s why. He wanted to show her that he’d given some thought to someone else’s feelings by stopping so Myra could see a nest full of eggs. He hadn’t seen anything nearby that would be a danger, but apparently this place was full of surprises. Sam just hoped that there wouldn’t be any more any time soon.
The path of the front loader, still visible in the shallow water through the trail of broken reeds and swells in the nest hills, was easy enough to follow. He passed several groups of trees and a couple outcroppings of rocks, but for the most part the traveling was clear, albeit wet and muddy. Only once did he fear they were going to be bogged down in the mire, but the large tires and all-wheel drive kept the vehicle moving along. Sam wondered how Clive, in a heavier, slower vehicle, navigated some of the areas. He guessed he could just ask once they found him.
“Here Sam,” Girlfriend said, handing him some pills. He hated taking pills, but knew these would fight off any infection and took them without a word. “What’s up with those two?” Girlfriend pointed to the now sleeping Lin and Tiger Lily in their lover’s embrace.
Sam shrugged. “I guess they’re in love. Maybe it’s a reaction to Tiger Lily’s near death experience. I don’t know.”
“It’s cute. That’s what it is.”
Sam raised his eyebrows. He and Girlfriend had never had a discussion regarding same-sex relationships. “Cute?”
“I figured there was something going on between those two, even if it was something they weren’t admitting to.”
“Cute?” Sam repeated.
Girlfriend playfully slapped Sam’s good shoulder. “You know what I mean. I don’t think Lin has ever had anyone to love. She’s always been shut up in her trailer. Boy, girl, I’m just glad she found somebody. She needed to come out of her shell.”
“I guess I see your point there.” Sam turned to look at the two twisted together in the bed.
“So Sam, what are we going to do with that thing?” Girlfriend pointed her thumb over her shoulder at the dead troodon.”
“Well, I’m in no condition to lift it, I can tell you that.”
“But Sam, it smells.”
What did she expect? It was a dead animal. “What do you want me to do?”
“Well, I’m not sleeping in here with that thing anymore. It’s dead and it smells.”
“Aw, Girlfriend, come on. My arm.”
“I’ll help, but I want it out. I’m sure the others will appreciate it, too.”
Sam looked ahead and saw a small rise out of the water. They’d been driving for a good portion of the night and the moonlight had given him a great view. Not to mention that it was far cooler to drive at night rather than during the hot days. Sam pulled the car up onto the rise.
“We’ll dump it here and stay here for the night. It looks like the path goes off that way,” Sam pointed off to the west. At least he thought it was the west. “We can head out there after I’ve had some rest. Those pills are going to mess with my head, I’m sure.”
“That’s fine. I just want it out. I hope the smell goes with it.”
“I doubt that, but at least it won’t be rotting in here anymore.”
Sam stopped the car close to the thick trees. It was a dense growth and dark. Something about prehistoric and dark didn’t settle his mind. He almost decided to move on, but Girlfriend was already at the hatch and opening it. He turned to tell her to stop, but turning shot pain down his arm and she was outside before he could say anything.
“Sam! Get out here. This is gorgeous!”
Lin and Tiger Lily stirred. They gave each other those lovey-dovey eyes. Sam turned away. He didn’t want them to see him looking.
“Where are we?” Lin asked and yawned.
“We’re just stopping for a little while. I need some rest. And we need to dump this thing. It’s starting to stink up the place.
“Do you need help?”
Sam almost said “no”, but decided that help would be welcome at this point. “Sure. Thank you.”
“I don’t know how much I can help, but I’ll do what I can.”
“Well, I was thinking if we tie some rope around it and …”
Sam stopped talking when he heard the strange crack. Not the soft crack of a twig or anything small like that, but the crack of a tree being bent to the breaking point. A large tree!
“Girlfriend!” Sam yelled, but as he did, he heard her shrill scream.
Something collided into the side of the car and rocked it violently. Sam launched himself at the ladder, but another crash and the car tipped violently. Girlfriend’s shrieks faded and he heard something splash.
“What happened?” Myra shouted from the back.
“What is that?” Tiger Lily asked, hanging onto the bed.
Sam had hit his shoulder into the bulkhead and waves of pain clouded his vision. He could, however, see Lin rushing to and up the ladder. She poked her head outside, screamed, and fell to the floor.
Something, Sam couldn’t see it, covered the hatch, blocking all outside light from the outside. Sam fought to get to his feet. He had to find the gun. Something was attacking them and he had to kill it. He couldn’t just lie there. Whatever it was, it was huge and Girlfriend was out there.
The hatch cleared. Lin scooted away from the open hatch and back toward the bed.
“What is it?”
“It’s big!” was all Lin said, her eyes wide in fear.
Adrenaline cleared Sam’s vision and focused his mind on the problem, not his pain. He retrieved the gun from the locker near the hatch and started up the ladder.
Again the car was rocked, this time it tipped all the way onto its side. Sam had to let go of the ladder and stood on the wall, while Lin and Tiger Lily slid across the floor and crashed into the troodon body.
From where he stood, Sam could look out the hatch. He saw Girlfriend lying in the shallow water. She wasn’t moving. Not at all. Was she dead? Was she unconscious? Was she hurt? Would that thing get her?
“Lin, Tiger Lily, help me!” Sam dropped the gun and with his good arm, started to pick up the troodon. “Maybe with this thing out there, it’ll ignore Girlfriend. Come on! Hurry up!”
The arm of the troodon was limp and Sam feared it would snap off, but Lin and Tiger Lily each took up a leg, and quickly the body was raised to the hatch. They shoved it out, but nothing happened. Sam took up the gun and pointed it out the hatch.
“Where is it? Come on, you bastard. I dare you.”
The car rocked, but differently this time. A hissing noise came from the bottom of the car.
“That damn thing it chewing on the tire!”
Sam climbed up and wiggled into the hatch. He didn’t fall to the ground, but instead stood up on the hatch so he could see what he was dealing with.
The head, with its mottled, green skin and forearm-sized teeth, spoke terror beyond belief. This thing thought it’d killed some prey. Large bite marks showed in the rear of the car. This thing had rammed and bit the car, then turned it on its side. This thing? No. This monster. This T. rex. Now it was chewing on the tires. If it popped more than one, they’d have a real tough time getting back, let alone saving Clive. Hell, they’d have a hard enough time just righting the car.
The T. rex raised its head and looked directly at Sam, but went back to the front tire, digging its massive teeth into it again and again, almost like a dog with a chew toy.
Sam raised the gun. One shot. That was all he’d need, but it would have to be a perfect shot. He’d have to get the eye. The skull would be far too thick and he’d be lucky just to stun the creature. He steadied himself, but as he did, the T. rex pulled on the tire and jerked the car. Sam fell hard onto the ground and bumped his head. He groaned.
“Shhh,” He heard someone shush.
“What?”
“Be quite. It’ll hear you,” Girlfriend said in a hushed, scolding tone.
Sam rolled his head over to look at her. She had moved her head only slightly. Sam pointed at the car’s open hatch. She shook her head, eyes wide.
“We’ll die out here.”
Through the hatch Lin and Tiger Lily motioned for the two of them to return. Sam rolled over and pulled at Girlfriend’s arm. “Go.”
He stood with her, but his thoughts were muddled and he didn’t pick up the gun. Girlfriend walked quickly to the car and reached up into the hatch. Lin and Tiger Lily pulled her in, but only just before the T. rex pulled again on the tire and flipped the car over onto its roof. Sam had to dive out of the way to keep from being crushed.
He slid into the water, and watched as the gun was trapped under the car, and the body of the troodon squished. Girlfriend’s face appeared in one of the windows. She pounded on the glass and shouted, but Sam couldn’t hear anything. He struggled to get out of the water. As he did, the T. rex circled the car.
Sam froze.
The thing had looked at him once and done nothing. Sam hoped it would do the same again. It cocked its head to the side and watched. Sam didn’t move. Maybe it would think he was a tree or something. Sam could feel a warm stream wash down his leg. He didn’t know if it was blood or urine. One would be far worse than the other. Blood, this thing would smell as prey, the other just offensive. Or at least that’s what Sam wanted. Just for once in his life let him be offensive. Just once.
The beast howled and charged.
Authors You Should Be Reading: Michell Plested
Michell Plested is a shady character capable of unscrupulous behavior. He’s been known to darken the door step of many an unsuspecting host. On his best behavior he may be found digging in your back yard convinced he’ll locate a secret tunnel to China. At his worst…. wait a minute. I’ve got the wrong Michell Plested. Pardon me. Let me make sure I’ve got my facts right.
Oh, there’s another Michell Plested. Pfft. Silly me. Let me start over.
The Short:
Michell Plested is an author a number of books including the podcast novel GalaxyBillies, The YA super hero novel, Mik Murdoch(no relation), the Action Pack adventure Boyscouts of the Apocalypse,(also over at Wattpad) and is currently looking for a home for his colaborative work, Jack Kane and the Statue of Liberty. The last story he penned with that mighty, mighty author, J.R. Murdock (why does that name sound so familiar?) He’s also edited an excellent anthology with an abundance of great authors (such as that J.R. Murdock fellow again) entitled A Method to the Madness: A guide to the super evil (That’s quite a mouthful for a book, isn’t it? You’ve seen the cover on the main page, right? You ran out and bought a copy, right? You didn’t? Why? Go now! BUY BUY BUY this book!) He also has a bi-weekly podcast, Get Published, where he interviews
The Long:
Michell Plested, a close, personal friend of mine, was discovered on the shores of California in 79 A.D. covered in seaweed and struggling for life. Oh, wait, wrong Mike again. He was actually born in the Great White North (where he currently resides) and is married to a beautiful woman and has two wonderful children he loans out on weekend (wait, no he doesn’t).
Mike had been writing for some time and wanted to become a published author so he could be on easy street and line his pockets with hundreds. So he started a podcast, Get Published, to get his name out there. He’s not missed a show in 17 years (wait that’s not right, how about he started in January 2009 and you do the math?). He’s interviewed professional in publishing including editors, agents, publishers, authors, and everyone in between. He’s been nominated nearly every year (could be every year, I don’t know) for the Par Sec awards and has always lost (don’t want to see him break that perfect record or anything).
During his podcasting of Get Published, he had delusions of grandeur and decided it would be a good idea to podcast a novel AS HE WROTE IT! What Madness that was, let me tell you. Insanity at its highest form! But podcast GalaxyBillies he did and it was a lot of fun to listen to.
Someone (well call this someone Dan Dan the Art Man) suggested on Twitter that Mike and I should write a book together. Sheesh. Talk about insanity. Well, the two of us thought it was nuts and went for it anyways. We came up with Jack Kane and the statue of Liberty and it’s currently been through a few rounds of editing and is currently in the hands of another publisher. We’ve already plotted a second novel in the series as we had so much fun losing our minds doing a collaborative work once, why not suffer through the pain twice, right?
The Mike decided he’d work with another person (cheater!) and joined forces with Jeff Hite (I’m sure I’ll talk about him at some point so I’m not going to link to him from here. This is all about Mike after all. Why do you think I didn’t like to Dan Dan the Art Man? pfft. Just read and quit questioning what I’m linking to). Mike and Jeff came up with the idea of putting together an anthology. The opened it up to submissions and put together A Method to the Madness: A guide to the super evil. Why come up with a short name when you can come up with a long name, right? I mean, it is catchy and just rolls off the tongue, right? <sigh>. They got about 1500 submissions (or 10, like I know. I wasn’t part of the assembly process, I just sent in a story like any other writer). The anthology was a rousing success! They managed to get just enough submissions to fill a book!
BUT!
During this time, Mike had Mik Murdoch: Boy Superhero picked up by a publisher (5 Rivers) and was now doubly busy. He managed to put Jack Kane on the back burner as he was far too busy to deal with our book (I’m not pouting. DON’T LOOK AT ME! at least my name was in the title, sort of, wait… what’s kind of weird, isn’t it? Why did I just now notice that. Hmmm… Mike, you’re weird, #justsaying). So he got his book out and 5 Rivers (they used to be 4 rivers, but 4 rivers doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily as 5 rivers) and they decided to also take on his anthology (I wonder why they didn’t make the title to A Method to the Madness: A guide to the super evil a longer title, I mean, at least another two or three subtitles or something).
So during a short period of time Mike went from an unpublished slacker to an author with a writing credit and an editing credit under his belt. And what about Jack Kane? Huh? What about it? DON’T LOOK AT ME!
His success has catapulted him to the ranks of authors like…uh… what authors have actually sold a negative numbers of books? Anyway, he’s got a couple books out there. Good job. I’m proud of you, no really. Don’t worry about us little people.
Once he was done with all this great success, he decided that he’d throw me a bone and he and I (Along with Scott Roche, more on this slacker later) started the Action Pack Podcast. (Later as in another post). There was Boyscouts of the Apocalypse,(also over at Wattpad), Golden West by J.R. Murdock (Hey! I know him!) and … uh.. Scott’s story… The house of the Planet from out there? Planet Express? My Planet looks like a banana? Oh, let me look it up, hold on…here it is! Invasion From The Hidden Planet. (No, really, I’ll talk about Scott on another post, quit bugging me about it. Seriously.)
So Mike and I spent a year writing and podcasting our stories (Scott, not quite a year, but that’s a story for another post, really, it deserves its own post. You’ll enjoy that story. Seriously. I’m not putting it here.)
Mike, still a close, personal friend of mine despite his attempts to leave me behind, went to some cons and got some interest in Jack Kane. It went to one publisher that eventually passed and is now on the desk of another. We have high hopes for this one and one day hope it’ll see print. In the mean time, he’s busy working on a new story for the Action Pack Podcast, a sequel to Mik Murdoch, probably another anthology with someone else (cheater! I’m not bitter, really. DON’T LOOK AT ME!) and I’m sure he’ll forget about Jack again and write another book and make a million dollars while I dwell in self-publishing squalor. But hey, that’s how it goes, right?
So there you have it. Michell Plested’s quest to fame and greatness. He’s got some good stuff worth your reading. I hope you take some time to read his work even if he is a two-timing author who can’t focus on one project at a time and see it through to fruition before jumping ship to the next big shiny project leaving his co-author behind while he has fun playing in another sandbox.
I’ve linked all over the place to his work. Buy his books, read him on Wattpad, avoid his anthology (unless you really need a book with an extra long title), and listen to his podcasts. If you like anything I’ve written, you’ll hate his even more and that’ll make me feel better! So stop reading my stuff and go read his stuff. By comparison I’m fricken Hemingway. But hey, not everyone likes filet mignon when they can have a hamburger.
mmmmm Hamburgers. I think I know what I need to go do now. You should be out buying books!
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
So You Want a Free Book?
Everybody wants something for nothing. That’s just human nature. The easier something is to acquire, the more people will want that something. Well, I will give you a free ebook, but I’m not just going to email it to you. Oh heavens no. I’m going to make you jump through hoops and dance like a monkey!
Well, maybe not. What I will do is send you an ebook IF you do one of the following things for me. They’re all easy things to do and you can get more than one free book from me if you do more than one of the things on the list! It really is just that simple. Here’s a list of things you can do and I will email you an ebook!
1) Tweet about me or one of my books (and send me a link to that tweet)
2) Post on Facebook about me or one of my books (and send me a link so I can friend you 🙂 )
3) Post on any social media about me or one of my books and send me a link!
If you do any of these three things, I will send you one of my currently published titles. I will also friend/follow/circle you on those social media sites as well!
If you want to go the extra mile, you can get one of my currently completed, unpublished titles! You want to read a book before everyone else, right? Well, here’s what you need to do for that.
1) Leave a review on Amazon (or anywhere books are sold) for one of my books you’ve read and send me the link.
2) Leave a review on GoodReads for one of my books you’ve read and send me the link.
3) Blog about one of my books you’ve read and send me the link.
Three simple things and I will send you a free ebook of your choice INCLUDING those that I’ve finished writing and have yet to publish.
Do any of these six things and you’ll also have my undying gratitude. It’s not easy for an author to get his/her name out there and without your help, I’ll wallow in squalor and anonymity. Well, maybe not, but it’d be nice to have a few more eyes see what I’m up to 😉
Thank you for your help and support!
Read Along: Paradise Palms: Chapter 42
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Lin
“Do you think she’ll be alright?” Lin asked Girlfriend.
Girlfriend stirred the eggs in a large skillet. “I’m sure Tiger Lily will be just fine.”
Lin felt bad. “Gosh, I wasn’t even thinking about Tiger Lily. I know she’ll be okay. I’m worried about Myra. She almost seemed frantic about the dinosaurs and sounded convinced that Clive’s presence, and therefore our presence, was killing the dinosaurs. I think she snapped.”
Girlfriend added a little milk to the skillet of eggs. They both grabbed the counter as the car lurched slightly.
“Sorry!” Sam yelled back. “Having a hard time driving with just one hand.”
“Don’t worry about it!” Girlfriend yelled back. She said quieter to Lin, “I think Myra allowed her emotions to run away from her and she’s also mentally exhausted. Personally, I think we’ll all get to that point. I’m surprised that the rest of us are holding up so well.”
Lin didn’t want to tell Girlfriend about Tiger Lily’s episode the day before when they had first set out. It didn’t feel fair to talk about someone who was presently in no condition to defend herself. “I guess you’re right. This is a little weird.”
“Little? Lin, this is insane. I had to stitch up Sam from dinosaur bites and claw marks, and he’s still driving us deeper and deeper into this nightmare. I don’t want to go further. I want to go home.” Girlfriend spoke in a plain, matter-of-fact tone in which Lin couldn’t detect any fear. She shook her head. “But Doc asked us to save his son, and right now, that’s taking priority over my own fears. I mean, what’s going to happen to us inside this car?”
Lin gave a wry smile. “I guess you’re right.” She held out a plate for Girlfriend to serve the eggs. Once she’d served some eggs, Lin pulled the bacon out of the microwave and a slice of toast from the toaster. “Anything else?”
“Oh, Sam likes Tabasco on his eggs.”
“Okay.” Lin looked in the fridge, but didn’t find any hot sauce of any kind.
“Don’t worry about it. If he’s hungry, he’ll eat. Actually, tell him to eat it anyway because if he doesn’t, those antibiotics will eat into his stomach.”
“What about Tiger Lily?”
Girlfriend thought for a moment. “You might want to go ahead and wake her up. Be careful though. I’m sure that little incident shook her up a bit. She might lash out when she wakes up.”
“I’ll be careful.”
Lin set the eggs down on the console next to Sam. He slowed the car slightly and looked up at Lin. “Thanks.” He nodded.
Lin flushed. Even after all that happened, she still felt embarrassed to have him look at her, even though his eyes never left hers. She had almost suspected that he might look at her breasts as if he could see though her shirt, but he didn’t. She liked that about him.
She asked. “Can I get you anything to drink?”
“No.” Sam looked to where he had a bottle of water. “I’m good. Thanks.”
She smiled at him and turned to wake up Tiger Lily. She had rolled onto her side, her bad arm on top. Lin reached down and stroked her hair.
“Tiger Lily,” Lin whispered. “Tiger Lily.”
She groaned softly. Lin kissed her on the head. “Wake up, sleepy head.”
Tiger Lily bolted upright and screamed. Sam lurched to a stop and grunted in pain. Tiger Lily tried to catch herself on her bad arm and fell back onto the bed.
“What happened?” Girlfriend yelled from the back.
“It’s alright,” Lin shouted back. To Tiger Lily she asked, “Are you alright?”
“I was having a terrible dream. One of those things was chewing on my arm. Killing me. It was so real.”
Tiger Lily looked down at her arm and screamed again. Girlfriend ran into the room and Sam rotated the car’s seat around to see what was happening. Tiger Lily winced when she saw Sam’s bandages and then pulled her legs up onto the bed when she spotted the dead troodon on the floor of the car, lying where Sam had killed it.
“What happened?” she asked, her body shaking and quivering as she pulled her knees into her chest with her good arm.
Lin sat on the bed next to Tiger Lily’s feet. “Everything is going to be just fine.”
“What the hell happened? The last thing I remember, one of those things jumped out of the water and bit me.”
“It’s dead now. Sam shot the one outside. This one got inside and Sam killed it too, but it bit him.”
Tiger Lily looked at Sam’s shoulder and leg and twitched. She twitched again when she looked at her own arm and started to cry. Lin scooted up on the bed and hugged her. It pained her to see Tiger Lily in such mental torture over what happened. She could only imagine what she was going through. Pangs of guilt tore at her very being. She convinced Tiger Lily to come along in the first place, even though Tiger Lily had said it was a bad idea. Suddenly she thought that Tiger Lily may be right.
“It’s going to be alright. It’ll all turn out just fine.”
Tiger Lily tucked her head into Lin’s neck and cried.
Sam’s chair whirred and the car started forward once again. Girlfriend returned to the kitchen. Lin gave Tiger Lily a slight nudge and soon they were both lying together on the bed wrapped in each other’s arms.
“I want to go home,” Tiger Lily burbled.
“I know. I know. We won’t be here much longer. Maybe only a day or two.” Lin tried to keep the quaver out of her voice, but she wanted to cry with Tiger Lily. She wanted to remain calm and try to assure her, but found it difficult. Instead she said the only thing that came to her mind. “I love you.”
Tiger Lily’s sobs softened and stopped. “What?” With her good hand, Tiger Lily wiped her nose and eyes.
Lin froze. She’d said it out loud, hadn’t she? And Tiger Lily had heard her. Had she thought she wouldn’t hear it? Perhaps that her crying would cover up the sound of her voice? Lin wanted to crawl away, but there was nowhere she could hide now. It was out there.
Why had she said that? Why would she say anything like that? She’d only known Tiger Lily for a short time and didn’t even have the slightest inkling if she thought of her in the same way.
Tiger Lily started to pull back to look at Lin, but Lin held her tight. She couldn’t look her in the eye. Not now. What if Tiger Lily didn’t feel the same way? What if Tiger Lily was only friendly in her flirting way? What if she’d totally misunderstood how Tiger Lily felt and acted? Maybe she would only think it was a sisterly type of love. Maybe she would think that Lin said it as a way of reassurance.
Tiger Lily pulled harder and pressed her face into Lin’s. Their lips met with a force that Lin hadn’t expected. She’d never kissed anyone before and hoped that Tiger Lily wouldn’t notice. She hoped that Sam wouldn’t notice. What if he was watching?
She ignored all her fears and gave into the kiss, Tiger Lily’s warm tongue twisting and pressing against hers. Her whole body felt warm and relaxed. She hoped it was doing the same thing for Tiger Lily.
They pulled apart, each gasping for air. Tiger Lily gave Lin a warm smile. “I love you, too,” she said softly.
They lay together, face to face, and just stared into each other’s eyes. They intertwined their hands and legs and just stared. Lin loved the way Tiger Lily’s deep, dark-brown eyes stared back with loving intent that said “If only we were alone.” Parts of Lin’s body — parts she’d never given much thought to – spasmed at the thought.
Things an Author should never, ever do, and a few things they should always do.
I’ve written this post at least five different times and each time I just never felt I was getting the right tone. I’m going to try yet again and I hope it comes across right this time. We’ll see how it goes. I may delete it again just for the sake of deleting it.
EDIT: I decided I finally got it right this time. Enjoy!
This list is a simple list of do’s and don’ts, but I’m going to try and go a little deeper than do this cuz I say do this. I’m going to try and give a little background and examples as to why these are a good idea and how they’ve worked out for others (both good and bad).
1) Don’t misreport your numbers:
I’ve been around the podcasting community since before podcasting was a term. I was listening live when the term podiobooks was coined. I recorded promos for many podcasts over the years and I’ve seen its ups and downs. I know a large core of the earliest podcasters and I saw much of what was happening.
There was an author that saw some other podcasters get published by a small press and he wanted to be the first with a big six publishing deal. So he took his podcasting downloads and convinced an editor that each download represented a potential reader that would buy his book. Sadly, that’s not how podcasting works.
If I download each episode of a podcast, I’m one person even though I may download the same episode from 3 different devices across 30 episodes. That’s not 90 potential readers, that’s 1. So by inflating his numbers to make it look as if he had 70,000 plus listeners, there were high expectations as well there should have been. Even if 10% buy a copy, that’s 7,000 books sold which is pretty good for a first time author.
Now I can’t fault this person for trying. He pushed and pushed and pushed to try and sell more copies, but sadly there just weren’t enough people that had already listened to the podcast that wanted to buy the book (I bought one). So this author was rejected to publish the sequel through the big publisher. The backlash was pretty sever by the author and he vanished from the podcasting community burning his bridges as he went. It was sad to see because he really was a talented author.
So a simple lesson, don’t pump those numbers. I’ve had over 100,000 downloads of V&A Shipping episodes, but have only sold a handful of copies of the ebook and print book. I had no expectation that it would explode out of the gate. That’s just not reality.
What you should do is one of two things. Either tell them your numbers and accurately what they represent, or leave them out all together. For the most part they’re unimportant and could only raise unrealistic expectations. Let your work speak for itself.
Author Scott Sigler did this the correct way. He had a publisher approach him because of his podcasting. They released his first books and they were a moderate success. He kept podcasting books and publishing books. He grew his audience slowly by giving away content to the point where he had enough people buying his books to support him keeping content out. At no time did he try to be more than he was (well, not personally, but his online persona he was HUGE, but that’s another story). Scott did things right by allowing things to grow at their own pace and used real numbers (book sales) to propel him to a big 6 publishing deal.
Not only that, he’s got an audience NAY! A community of junkies out there that cannot get enough of his work and have no trouble telling everyone they know about Scott’s work. He didn’t force a community, it just grew up around him. I’m not sure that was even his plan to start with, but it was incredible to watch him posting his first episodes on the Dragon Page to where he’s now pretty much a machine pumping out content left and right and the quality just keeps getting better and better.
2) Don’t artificially inflate your numbers:
But Jay, isn’t that the same thing?
NO! NO! IT’S NOT! Let me explain before you jump all over me. Sheesh. I mean, it’s similar, but different.
So I saw a Google+ posting by an author pleading for people to ‘click the link to visit her home page’. Well, that’s fine. I’ve seen that before. I’ve posted links to my site for people to visit. I get the desire for traffic. This author went about 20 steps too far. The next lines in her post caused me some concern. “Hit refresh a few times and if you can, please do this every day. I have a few friends hitting refresh on my site about a dozen times a day each because I need to get at least 4000 hits on my site a day so I can go back to a publisher that said if I get 400,000 hits on my site in 6 months, they’ll give me a publishing contract.”
I wanted to cry. I really did. Why? Did you read #1? This author is setting herself up for FAILURE! Failure in a major way. The publisher will have expectations. If they think you’re getting 400,000 real hits in six months, they’re going to translate that into sales numbers and set a target. If you miss, you lose. You will never again get a publishing contract. You will have lied your way in and fall flat. I cannot express how bad of an idea this is.
Want my numbers? I get about 3 hits a day to my site. On a crazy busy day I’ll see 30, some days I won’t see any. I know people are reading via email and with rss readers, and a few even follow via wordpress.com. I get that. I know there are more people reading what I post than visit the actual site. I understand that. Really, I do, but I’m not about to start asking people to pump up my numbers just for the sake of pumping up my numbers.
Author John Scalzi has done this right, in my opinion. Sure, it’s taken him fifteen years, but he’s getting on average around 50,000 visitors per day. He gave away content, posted his views, played nice, and built a community around his website. Yes, because of this he was able to sell his novels and make a good living. Like his work or not, he’s done well and did things right with how he got his community going. There’s that word again, community. We’ll talk more about this later. For now, just don’t bother telling people your numbers or try to get people to help get your numbers higher. It’ll happen. Don’t force it. You can’t force a community to grow up around you just like you can’t fool a publisher with unrealistic numbers more than once. Sales will point you out as a fraud.
3) Don’t be afraid to offend people:
Now I’m not talking about going all Orson Scott Card and spewing hatred disguised as an opinion. That’s just plain wrong and you will burn in your own personal hell of your own design.
I’m talking about people like Chuck Wendig. Chuck has no problem speaking his mind, using offensive language, and get all up in your grill about what he thinks. He’s very passionate about writing and has no trouble telling you that some writing is crap while other writing is brilliant. He comes across as a cross old grandfather that sits at the end of a bar with a scruffy beard, a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other telling the kids how much things sucked when he was a kid.
The thing is, at no point, does Chuck go off the deep end and attack people personally. I’d love to meet Chuck one day because I have the feeling he’s really a great guy. He’s funny as hell and his blog is a blast to read (if you go there, be aware there’s lots of offensive language). But you can’t be afraid to be who you are. Or build up a persona that you can hide behind and spew things that are offensive, but not hate-fueled. You need to find that line, dance on it, but don’t cross it. Like I said, check out Chuck. He’s doing things right.
4) Don’t be a dick:
Many things will get you far in life. Being a jerk to people won’t. Now I’m not saying you need to be a saint out there (you saw the above post, right?) but you need to mind your Ps and Qs. I’ve seen authors do some pretty crappy things to each other. Using sock puppets to leave negative reviews, starting flame wars, blogging about untrue information, using their community to try and trash another author, and just plain being jerks. This could be from denouncing women as inferior, to claiming that minorities aren’t as good as ‘whites’, or any number of things. I don’t care even if you feel this way, not all press is good press. Just because you’re a misogynistic butthead doesn’t mean you need to spread hate to try and build a community. You attract more flies with honey than $#!+ my mother always used to say.
I would give an example of how this has been done, but i don’t want to give the person any more traffic than they deserve.
5) Do Be nice and give back:
John Scalzi does this with does this with his “Big Idea”. Chuck does this with his Terrible Minds interviews with other authors. Scott Roche did this last year when he gave away an indie book a week! There are many ways to do this. I’ve never done much of anything and in the coming weeks, that’s all going to change. I’m going to start a series of posts about authors that are close, personal friends of mine that I think you should be reading. Be they indie, pro, or just giving away work on WATTPAD (or any combination of the three). This will be just a little way to give back. I know I don’t have a massive audience, but I feel I should share those authors that I enjoy.
6) Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there:
I’m going to mention the first two bloggers that come to mind: Mur Lafferty and Jenny the Bloggess. Both of these women are AWESOME in totally different ways. I’ve met Mur and she is a wonderful human being. I haven’t met Jenny and I’m not sure my brain could handle meeting her, but I do have a beaver skull to protect me should I run across her one day and her army of taxidermy animals.
Mur has had issues over the years with confidence. She’s spoken publicly about this and she’s also suffered with depression. She’s put all that out there in her struggle about writing and how difficult it is at times for her to get past her demons and just sit and write and not feel like a fraud (Mur, you’re the real deal and you’re awesome #justsaying). Much of the time she’s filled with wit and is highly entertaining, other times she’s just Mur being Mur and keeping it real.
Jenny has also had similar struggles. She’s blogged about them on some rather serious posts, and other times she posts things that get you inside her head and make you wonder what makes her tick.
Both of them are terrific people and even though they’ve mentioned they have trouble talking about their issues in public, they’ve gone ahead and do so anyway. Much to their surprise, people weren’t frightened away and many rallied to them to try and boost them up in times of need. They didn’t shy away from those ‘bad’ days and they didn’t sugar coat things either. To watch them over a length of time and read their blogs has given me a profound respect for what each of them has gone through over the years and each of them has been successful in their own way.
So what does this little list give you? It gives you ways to get yourself out there and grow a community. Like I said, I’ve watched, I’ve learned, I’ve not followed through. Hence, I didn’t grow a community around me. I know how to do it and I know it’s not something that can be forced or done artificially. It just happens and usually to the surprise of the person the community forms around. I don’t think any of these people set out with a plan of “I’ll build a community and sell tons of books.” They just did what came naturally and what felt right and it worked. They were entertaining enough to attract people to them and real enough to keep people around them. They also interacted with their audience and be part of their own audience rather than be put up on a pedestal to be admired.
I respect each of the authors I’ve mentioned. I’ve read works by each of them and I’ve been thoroughly entertained by their books, but more than that, I’ve been entertained by what they do beyond the books. I read each of their blog posts, I listen to those that have podcasts. I don’t always leave feedback or join in the conversations, but I do enjoy what they have done, are doing, and will continue to do. Each of them has, in their own way, made me a life-long fan of them, not just of their books.
I’m off to go do things right.
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
J.R. Murdock 