Category Archives: Blog Post
So You Want a Free Book?
Everybody wants something for nothing. That’s just human nature. The easier something is to acquire, the more people will want that something. Well, I will give you a free ebook, but I’m not just going to email it to you. Oh heavens no. I’m going to make you jump through hoops and dance like a monkey!
Well, maybe not. What I will do is send you an ebook IF you do one of the following things for me. They’re all easy things to do and you can get more than one free book from me if you do more than one of the things on the list! It really is just that simple. Here’s a list of things you can do and I will email you an ebook!
1) Tweet about me or one of my books (and send me a link to that tweet)
2) Post on Facebook about me or one of my books (and send me a link so I can friend you 🙂 )
3) Post on any social media about me or one of my books and send me a link!
If you do any of these three things, I will send you one of my currently published titles. I will also friend/follow/circle you on those social media sites as well!
If you want to go the extra mile, you can get one of my currently completed, unpublished titles! You want to read a book before everyone else, right? Well, here’s what you need to do for that.
1) Leave a review on Amazon (or anywhere books are sold) for one of my books you’ve read and send me the link.
2) Leave a review on GoodReads for one of my books you’ve read and send me the link.
3) Blog about one of my books you’ve read and send me the link.
Three simple things and I will send you a free ebook of your choice INCLUDING those that I’ve finished writing and have yet to publish.
Do any of these six things and you’ll also have my undying gratitude. It’s not easy for an author to get his/her name out there and without your help, I’ll wallow in squalor and anonymity. Well, maybe not, but it’d be nice to have a few more eyes see what I’m up to 😉
Thank you for your help and support!
Things an Author should never, ever do, and a few things they should always do.
I’ve written this post at least five different times and each time I just never felt I was getting the right tone. I’m going to try yet again and I hope it comes across right this time. We’ll see how it goes. I may delete it again just for the sake of deleting it.
EDIT: I decided I finally got it right this time. Enjoy!
This list is a simple list of do’s and don’ts, but I’m going to try and go a little deeper than do this cuz I say do this. I’m going to try and give a little background and examples as to why these are a good idea and how they’ve worked out for others (both good and bad).
1) Don’t misreport your numbers:
I’ve been around the podcasting community since before podcasting was a term. I was listening live when the term podiobooks was coined. I recorded promos for many podcasts over the years and I’ve seen its ups and downs. I know a large core of the earliest podcasters and I saw much of what was happening.
There was an author that saw some other podcasters get published by a small press and he wanted to be the first with a big six publishing deal. So he took his podcasting downloads and convinced an editor that each download represented a potential reader that would buy his book. Sadly, that’s not how podcasting works.
If I download each episode of a podcast, I’m one person even though I may download the same episode from 3 different devices across 30 episodes. That’s not 90 potential readers, that’s 1. So by inflating his numbers to make it look as if he had 70,000 plus listeners, there were high expectations as well there should have been. Even if 10% buy a copy, that’s 7,000 books sold which is pretty good for a first time author.
Now I can’t fault this person for trying. He pushed and pushed and pushed to try and sell more copies, but sadly there just weren’t enough people that had already listened to the podcast that wanted to buy the book (I bought one). So this author was rejected to publish the sequel through the big publisher. The backlash was pretty sever by the author and he vanished from the podcasting community burning his bridges as he went. It was sad to see because he really was a talented author.
So a simple lesson, don’t pump those numbers. I’ve had over 100,000 downloads of V&A Shipping episodes, but have only sold a handful of copies of the ebook and print book. I had no expectation that it would explode out of the gate. That’s just not reality.
What you should do is one of two things. Either tell them your numbers and accurately what they represent, or leave them out all together. For the most part they’re unimportant and could only raise unrealistic expectations. Let your work speak for itself.
Author Scott Sigler did this the correct way. He had a publisher approach him because of his podcasting. They released his first books and they were a moderate success. He kept podcasting books and publishing books. He grew his audience slowly by giving away content to the point where he had enough people buying his books to support him keeping content out. At no time did he try to be more than he was (well, not personally, but his online persona he was HUGE, but that’s another story). Scott did things right by allowing things to grow at their own pace and used real numbers (book sales) to propel him to a big 6 publishing deal.
Not only that, he’s got an audience NAY! A community of junkies out there that cannot get enough of his work and have no trouble telling everyone they know about Scott’s work. He didn’t force a community, it just grew up around him. I’m not sure that was even his plan to start with, but it was incredible to watch him posting his first episodes on the Dragon Page to where he’s now pretty much a machine pumping out content left and right and the quality just keeps getting better and better.
2) Don’t artificially inflate your numbers:
But Jay, isn’t that the same thing?
NO! NO! IT’S NOT! Let me explain before you jump all over me. Sheesh. I mean, it’s similar, but different.
So I saw a Google+ posting by an author pleading for people to ‘click the link to visit her home page’. Well, that’s fine. I’ve seen that before. I’ve posted links to my site for people to visit. I get the desire for traffic. This author went about 20 steps too far. The next lines in her post caused me some concern. “Hit refresh a few times and if you can, please do this every day. I have a few friends hitting refresh on my site about a dozen times a day each because I need to get at least 4000 hits on my site a day so I can go back to a publisher that said if I get 400,000 hits on my site in 6 months, they’ll give me a publishing contract.”
I wanted to cry. I really did. Why? Did you read #1? This author is setting herself up for FAILURE! Failure in a major way. The publisher will have expectations. If they think you’re getting 400,000 real hits in six months, they’re going to translate that into sales numbers and set a target. If you miss, you lose. You will never again get a publishing contract. You will have lied your way in and fall flat. I cannot express how bad of an idea this is.
Want my numbers? I get about 3 hits a day to my site. On a crazy busy day I’ll see 30, some days I won’t see any. I know people are reading via email and with rss readers, and a few even follow via wordpress.com. I get that. I know there are more people reading what I post than visit the actual site. I understand that. Really, I do, but I’m not about to start asking people to pump up my numbers just for the sake of pumping up my numbers.
Author John Scalzi has done this right, in my opinion. Sure, it’s taken him fifteen years, but he’s getting on average around 50,000 visitors per day. He gave away content, posted his views, played nice, and built a community around his website. Yes, because of this he was able to sell his novels and make a good living. Like his work or not, he’s done well and did things right with how he got his community going. There’s that word again, community. We’ll talk more about this later. For now, just don’t bother telling people your numbers or try to get people to help get your numbers higher. It’ll happen. Don’t force it. You can’t force a community to grow up around you just like you can’t fool a publisher with unrealistic numbers more than once. Sales will point you out as a fraud.
3) Don’t be afraid to offend people:
Now I’m not talking about going all Orson Scott Card and spewing hatred disguised as an opinion. That’s just plain wrong and you will burn in your own personal hell of your own design.
I’m talking about people like Chuck Wendig. Chuck has no problem speaking his mind, using offensive language, and get all up in your grill about what he thinks. He’s very passionate about writing and has no trouble telling you that some writing is crap while other writing is brilliant. He comes across as a cross old grandfather that sits at the end of a bar with a scruffy beard, a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other telling the kids how much things sucked when he was a kid.
The thing is, at no point, does Chuck go off the deep end and attack people personally. I’d love to meet Chuck one day because I have the feeling he’s really a great guy. He’s funny as hell and his blog is a blast to read (if you go there, be aware there’s lots of offensive language). But you can’t be afraid to be who you are. Or build up a persona that you can hide behind and spew things that are offensive, but not hate-fueled. You need to find that line, dance on it, but don’t cross it. Like I said, check out Chuck. He’s doing things right.
4) Don’t be a dick:
Many things will get you far in life. Being a jerk to people won’t. Now I’m not saying you need to be a saint out there (you saw the above post, right?) but you need to mind your Ps and Qs. I’ve seen authors do some pretty crappy things to each other. Using sock puppets to leave negative reviews, starting flame wars, blogging about untrue information, using their community to try and trash another author, and just plain being jerks. This could be from denouncing women as inferior, to claiming that minorities aren’t as good as ‘whites’, or any number of things. I don’t care even if you feel this way, not all press is good press. Just because you’re a misogynistic butthead doesn’t mean you need to spread hate to try and build a community. You attract more flies with honey than $#!+ my mother always used to say.
I would give an example of how this has been done, but i don’t want to give the person any more traffic than they deserve.
5) Do Be nice and give back:
John Scalzi does this with does this with his “Big Idea”. Chuck does this with his Terrible Minds interviews with other authors. Scott Roche did this last year when he gave away an indie book a week! There are many ways to do this. I’ve never done much of anything and in the coming weeks, that’s all going to change. I’m going to start a series of posts about authors that are close, personal friends of mine that I think you should be reading. Be they indie, pro, or just giving away work on WATTPAD (or any combination of the three). This will be just a little way to give back. I know I don’t have a massive audience, but I feel I should share those authors that I enjoy.
6) Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there:
I’m going to mention the first two bloggers that come to mind: Mur Lafferty and Jenny the Bloggess. Both of these women are AWESOME in totally different ways. I’ve met Mur and she is a wonderful human being. I haven’t met Jenny and I’m not sure my brain could handle meeting her, but I do have a beaver skull to protect me should I run across her one day and her army of taxidermy animals.
Mur has had issues over the years with confidence. She’s spoken publicly about this and she’s also suffered with depression. She’s put all that out there in her struggle about writing and how difficult it is at times for her to get past her demons and just sit and write and not feel like a fraud (Mur, you’re the real deal and you’re awesome #justsaying). Much of the time she’s filled with wit and is highly entertaining, other times she’s just Mur being Mur and keeping it real.
Jenny has also had similar struggles. She’s blogged about them on some rather serious posts, and other times she posts things that get you inside her head and make you wonder what makes her tick.
Both of them are terrific people and even though they’ve mentioned they have trouble talking about their issues in public, they’ve gone ahead and do so anyway. Much to their surprise, people weren’t frightened away and many rallied to them to try and boost them up in times of need. They didn’t shy away from those ‘bad’ days and they didn’t sugar coat things either. To watch them over a length of time and read their blogs has given me a profound respect for what each of them has gone through over the years and each of them has been successful in their own way.
So what does this little list give you? It gives you ways to get yourself out there and grow a community. Like I said, I’ve watched, I’ve learned, I’ve not followed through. Hence, I didn’t grow a community around me. I know how to do it and I know it’s not something that can be forced or done artificially. It just happens and usually to the surprise of the person the community forms around. I don’t think any of these people set out with a plan of “I’ll build a community and sell tons of books.” They just did what came naturally and what felt right and it worked. They were entertaining enough to attract people to them and real enough to keep people around them. They also interacted with their audience and be part of their own audience rather than be put up on a pedestal to be admired.
I respect each of the authors I’ve mentioned. I’ve read works by each of them and I’ve been thoroughly entertained by their books, but more than that, I’ve been entertained by what they do beyond the books. I read each of their blog posts, I listen to those that have podcasts. I don’t always leave feedback or join in the conversations, but I do enjoy what they have done, are doing, and will continue to do. Each of them has, in their own way, made me a life-long fan of them, not just of their books.
I’m off to go do things right.
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
Didja notice?
In case you didn’t notice, I’ve made a few changes around the site. No, really. I have. Unless you’ve missed my tweets, facebook posts, or just plain subscribe to the site via rss and don’t actually stop by and look from time to time (have you had your head in the sand?), you’ll have missed that I totally re-did the site. Stop on over and take a look. If you’re already here, check out the new main page, the new bibliography, the fun, the excitement!
Now you can find everything that has my name in it. Well, except for a few things that are out of print and long since gone out of print (and even I can’t get new copies of those stories). Hopefully this list will expand and I’ve put code in place that’ll make it much easier for me to maintain. I’m adding a lot of shorts to Wattpad in case you don’t have the funds to buy a book. I’m also giving away V&A Shipping over there as well! What are you waiting for? Head on over and get something for yourself.
There’s going to be a lot of titles flying around this place in the coming months. There are two ways to keep up on what I’m doing. Okay, three really. I’m trying to make this as easy as possible to keep track of what I’m doing and if you’re signed on for all three, you’ll never miss a beat. Well, you might and if you do there’s nothing I can do to help you there.
First, head on over to http://ofgnomesanddwarves.com and sign up for the email list. I will probably only send out one or two a month as new titles become available. I don’t want to overwhelm you like I’m already doing with this blog (which if you subscribe, is the second thing you can do to keep up on my current events.)
Thirdly, head on over to my new facebook author page and give it a like. I will be updating all three so if you’re signed up at all three, you’re sure to know as soon as something happens! It’s an exciting time to be an author and I hope you’ll join me for the fun ride ahead.
Quick status update: I’m aiming to have 28 titles out in 24 months. This does not include short stories, but if you look at the page, you’ll see I’m already up to 9 with 4 more waiting in the wings. I’ll be adding at least two more to this list (hopefully three) before the end of the year. That will put me at 16 before the new year rolls around. That means I’ll be just over halfway completed with my goal and I feel incredible about that! I’m loving where all this is headed and I’m excited for things that are coming up.
What can you do to help? I’m so glad you asked. Drop a line in your social media outlets (facebook, twitter, Google+, where ever) and let people know you’re enjoying what I’m doing and what a crazy plan I have for the coming months. You can also leave me a review anywhere reviews can be left (Amazon, BN, Kobo, GoodReads, your blog, your facebook, tattoo it on your face, name your first born after me [or rename him/her]). There’s so much you can do that’ll take a little time and will help me out so much.
What’s in it for you? I’m so glad you asked. If you leave me a review anywhere and send me a notice about it, I’ll send you a free ebook! This can be one of my current titles, or I can send you an advanced copy of something I have in the works. If you get an unedited copy, I will make sure you also get a fully-edited version as well. Just drop me a line of where you left a review and what you’d like to read next and I’ll make sure it hits your inbox as quickly as I can get it to you!
Speaking of upcoming titles, I’ve got a lot to do if I’m going to hit that goal!
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
Sometimes she gets my sense of humor
This weekend was a lot of yard work. A LOT of yard work. Part of that yard work was cutting down an ugly tree by the front door of the house. Once it was chopped down I had to cram the thing into a trash can so I had to cut it into small enough pieces so it would fit.
The wife and my favorite daughter were digging little holes and planting plants. It was a good time had by all as we were out in 103F weather doing yard work. Yeah.
As I was chopping this tree into trashcan-sized bits, I held a branch out to my favorite daughter.
ME: Hey kid, should we save this for your green smoothies?
MFD: yeah, and I saw some great dandelions in the neighbor’s yard. Let me grab those too.
This led to much laughter, dropping of shovels, and inadvertent holes getting dug.
Once I finished with chopping the tree into bits, I went to help with the planting of plants and flowers. The wife holds her hand out like a doctor and says “I need the stoopy.” She will deny to the ends of time that she didn’t say ‘Stoopy’. She said ‘Scoopy’. I know what I heard her say and it was another round of laughter by all, dropping of stoopies, shovels, and plants.
After two or three hours in the hot, hot sun, we were all quite silly, but the yard work got done, we all relaxed in the AC while drinking cold beverages, and it was nap time.
This was a good weekend. Yes, yes it was.
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
Oh you silly little cereal box
I like me some cereal. I’m not about to grab a giant mixing bowl and dump in an entire box. That’s not smart. By the time you get to the dregs at the bottom of the bowl, it’ll be filled with cereal mush that nobody really likes. I prefer to fill a reasonably-sized bowl and repeat as often as needed (usually twice depending on how hungry I am)
It’s not the sugary goodness that is cereal that concerns me. Oh no. Not at all. I can consume cereal with the best of them. It’s also not the amount of sugary milk I’ll drink at the end of every bowl. At least it’s not filled with my favorite daughter’s weeds and grass.
What troubles me about cereal is the box. Sure, once upon a time I used to literally tear open a box in hopes of finding the price inside first. Those days it didn’t matter if the box was destroyed in the process as a box of cereal around the house when I was a kid had a shelf life of about two days before it completely disappeared.
Now that I’m older, I like things to be in order. Honest. Don’t judge me by my site! Knowing that I like things in order, cereal manufacturers all collectively assembled and decided they needed to screw with me now that I’m grown up. I know they met and said “Hey, that Murdock kid still likes cereal, let’s screw with him!” And they have. They went to great lengths to ensure my life is miserable and it’s all because of their cursed boxes!
When you look at a box of cereal on the shelf, it looks nice and innocent enough. It will usually have a cartoonish character on it smiling at you, but that’s just to hide the evil waiting for you when you finally get that box home. It’s there to seduce you into buying something that will make you cereal enjoyment difficult and painful!
You start by trying to open the cardboard top. Yes, it’s got a nice tab on it that’s designed to fit into the slot so it’ll close. There are two issues here. First is the super glue they use to make sure the two pieces of cardboard don’t come apart cleanly. On the best of days you’ll end up with a long tear or the colored wrapper. On the bad days you’ll tear the box halfway down the side before you’re able to have enough room to expose the plastic liner containing the cereal. Then if you try to separate the perforated section to put the tab in, this will usually be flimsy enough to tear and you’ll have to leave the box open for the rest of its life.
Now let’s talk about that plastic liner, shall we? This stuff could be put into space and the cereal would be unaffected. Well, it’s cereal. It’s not like it breaths. But the seal on the bag is strong enough to make grown men cry. Not that I know from experience! DON’T JUDGE ME! Again, at the best of times you’ll pull and strain to get the bag to open. The goal is to open the bag and pour our the cereal. This should not be a Herculean effort! Pulling and pulling and seeing the opening grow millimeter by millimeter is frustrating. If you go any faster, you’ll tear the bag to shreds and have a counter (and floor, and small pets) covered in cereal!
Oh! Don’t even think about bringing a sharp object near these things. Hell no! They are puncture proof. You try to cut or stab the bag and you’re in for some serious trouble. The bag will fight back! It will self heal like a bag made from troll skin! If you’re not careful, it’ll disarm you and try to cut you, man. There’s danger inside that smiling-faced box!
And another thing; more often than not, GLUED TO THE INSIDE OF THE BOX! What? Is someone going to steal the bag of cereal and leave the box on the shelf? What if I want to pull the bag out and put it in a head lock so I can get better leverage to open the box? Does getting my morning cereal really need to be so difficult?
Okay. I’m going to see if I can brush enough cereal out of the dogs hair to fill a bowl. She looks funny trying to eat it out of her fur.
Don’t even get me started on those tiny, single-serving boxes. Those were made by the devil himself! Who are those single servings for? Munchkins?
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
Hostess ain’t got nothing on me
As I mentioned in a previous post, Hostess really screwed up their cherry pies. Not just kinda screwed them up, but ROYALLY screwed them up. If offered a year supply of their new cherry pies, I think I’d be hard pressed to accept. I don’t think I’d even give them to the homeless they’re that bad.
So, I made some of my own. I need to make more, perhaps different pies. I’ll have to see what other fillings they have at the store. I just need to make sure My Favorite Daughter doesn’t decide that we need to start making Dandelion Pies or something. My fruit pies don’t need to weeds!
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
The torture will continue until exercise improves!
Me: Ow! Ow! Ow! I’m in pain kid. Please don’t make me run tonight.
My Favorite Daughter: Oh, quit being such a big baby. I need to run and you’re going with me. Get up.
Me: No, you don’t understand. My legs ache. I feel like I’ve broken something.
MFD: Did I say I cared? I said you’re going with me and we’re going running.
Me: Why do you hate me? Can’t you just let me die in peace?
MFD: Quit being such a big baby.
At this point she threw the keys to sputtery truck at me. This time we didn’t go to the high school track where the entire marching band could watch us jog in circles. Oh no. That was too dignified. This time we went to Cuyamaca College and used their track. Running in the dark is so much better.
Ok, it wasn’t that dark, but compared to the bright lights of the high school football field, it’s DARK! It’s also right next to a big hill near all the wildlife. Yes, I life in San Diego, but I’m out in East County where we’re next to the wildlife and everything. I’ve seen Coyotes chasing Road Runners (and yes, I yelled BEEP BEEP!)
So we went to the track and started jogging in circles. I was in pain (no, seriously!) so I walked, then jogged, then walked, then jogged. Then got lapped by my favorite daughter who laughed at me. <grumble> Eventually we neared the 30 minute mark and little miss I’m-going-to-lap-my-father-and-laugh-at-him SCREAMS! Okay, other than a bunch of bunnies that were hanging around eating grass and dandelions (I should have brought them one of my favorite daughter’s green smoothies) there wasn’t anyone else on the track. If you have a kid and you hear them scream, it really gets your blood pumping to figure out what happened. I made it to catch up to her in record time (pain was quickly forgotten). When I got to her, she was running in circles making a whining sound with her hands over her head.
MFD: Is it gone?
Me: Is what gone?
MFD: The bat! It attacked me. Twice! <more whining commenced>
Me: Maybe it wanted a weed smoothie
MFD: <the bat now forgotten> They’re not weeds and they’re good for you
Me: I think I see that bat
MFD: No no no no
I’m still in pain, but the laugh was well worth it. Apparently my favorite daughter has my mom’s fear of flying things. Perhaps I’ll post a story about why one day.
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
My Favorite daughter and her green smoothies
I love my favorite daughter. Odds are I wouldn’t trade her in for a new car any time soon, but she’s making that choice more and more difficult.
Yes, she makes me green smoothies. I didn’t really pay attention to what she was putting in them as they tasted good. With enough apple juice or orange juice or fresh pineapple, you can mask the taste of nearly anything. It really is an art and I’m proud that she’s so passionate about it.
Where my problem comes in is what she’s decided to feed me. I’ve made it well know to her that I’m not a fan of coconut. Sure, I’ll plug and chug (plug my nose and down the drink as fast as I can) but I would rather actually enjoy what’s given to me. I think I was better off not knowing what she was putting into the drinks.
The other day she had me take her to Whole Foods. This is a very organic-friendly store with a wide array of different greens. Sure, I’ve got no problem with greens. I spent some time in Florida and had my share of collard greens with a big old hunk of fat in there for flavor. I love spinach. I’m new to kale, but I’ll give it a shot. She started packing greens into the basket and was like a kid in a candy store (well, not MY kid in a candy store because her sense of what’s good and what’s not is way outta whack). I was busy looking at the wide variety of vegetables and other things while she proceeded to fill the basket.
We got home and she’s been making green smoothies. As I said, they’re good. That was until I’m drinking away and she informs me that the dandelion greens are a little more bitter than she thought they would be so she used extra pineapple to take out the the bitter.
Wait! What? Weeds! You’re making me drink WEEDS!
Dandelions, for those not versed in the abundance of weeds, are those yellow flowers that pop up in yards everywhere that people spray with weed killer to get rid over before they turn into beautiful puffballs and propagate throughout your yard and become a denizen you desperately want to get rid of. When I had a yard I would spend hours with a spray bottle killing these little beasts.
And my favorite daughter was making green smoothies with them! Weeds! In my drink!
If it didn’t taste so good, I would have gone down to the nearest bush and poured it in for the bunnies to eat. (they eat dandelions, don’t they?).
I still maintain that my favorite daughter is trying to do me in.
Until Next time!
WEEDS WEEDS!
My Favorite Daughter is trying to kill me.
I love my favorite daughter. She’s an awesome kid. She really is. But I think she has it out for me! I don’t know where he obsession with killing me has come from, but I’m convinced she wants to do me in.
Let’s start from the beginning.
At the end of last Volleyball club season, she knew she was going to go to Pepperdine University for a week-long, volleyball camp. She was very excited. She started reading about diet and exercise as laid out on their website and decided this was a great thing. She started doing her own core workout, started running and dragged me along. She started making green smoothies, eating spinach (I’d call her Popeye, but she wouldn’t get the reference and hit me). She decided this was so great, that she needed someone to participate with her.
She’d make green smoothies each morning. Most of these were a miss. A miss in a major way. I’d thank her for my grass smoothie and she’d hit me and try to convince me it wasn’t ‘that bad’. Then she started using coconut milk in her smoothies! coconut! If God had intended man to drink coconut milk he wouldn’t have made it so difficult to get! So I’d have a grass and coconut smoothie. Holy UGH! I’d rather have a Hostess Cherry Pie (see the previous post if you don’t get this reference)
Fortunately her smoothie making skills have gotten better and with our brand new bullet (THANK YOU MILLICAN!) she can make one at a time so an entire blender isn’t filled with a mess I ain’t gonna drink.
Her latest attempts to kill me have gone too far! She wants me to jog! Run! Sprint! I mean, I’m OLD! My body ain’t cut out for jogging, running, or sprinting. Seriously? The past two outings we’ve done roughly 3 miles in 30 minutes (give or take depending on how many times I need to stop and throw up, fake a heart attack so she’ll slow down, or limp like I’ve broken my leg). She’s relentless! “Come on Papi, this is slow!” Sure, she’s young and in the best shape of her life. My best shape is round (Thank you Hostess!) My weight wasn’t made for running in circles! It was made for sitting in front of a computer writing code, writing books, making book covers. Not running!
She tells me it’ll get better if I keep at it, but I think she’s trying to kill me!
Until Next Time (Maybe!)
OW OW!
Where’s my Cherry Pie?
If you’re like me, when Hostess products disappeared from the shelves, you were clueless as to what happened (Yes, I live with my head in the sand). I was shocked to see this staple of the American diet disappear. I had thought Hostess products would be there forever! Whenever I made a trip to the store I would usually grab a Cherry Pie and enjoy my reward for making the trip to the store, but now they were gone. I had thought maybe it was just something to do with the grocery store. NO! It wasn’t! Local convenience had also stopped carrying my favorite products. Not just cherry pies were missing, but so were the twinkies, ding dongs, ho hos, golden cup cakes. It was an empty shelf!
Yes, soon 7-11 started making its own variation, but they were a shadow of the original. It just wasn’t the same. I was sad.
I was even sadder when I discovered that, despite my best efforts, I wasn’t able to keep the Hostess company in business. My consumption wasn’t enough. I hadn’t encouraged enough people to consume these tasty pastries.
A light at the end of the tunnel appeared. My favorite treats wouldn’t be gone forever. The company was just undergoing a liquidation. I didn’t care exactly what was happening legally, I just wanted my snacks back! My waistline was shrinking! (well, not really, but that’s a story for another day).
Color me surprised when I went to the store and there, next to the cashier! HOSTESS FRUIT PIES! My favorite daughter and I grabbed a pair and once the groceries were loaded up into Sputtery Truck we dug into our reward.
Only, it wasn’t a reward. It felt like a punishment. The first bite said “YOU WANT FRUIT PIES! POO ON YOU!”
I was seriously disappointed. I thought maybe I had gotten a bad pie, until I saw my favorite daughter looking like she was going to gag. Yes, they were THAT bad. Gone was the crusty glaze. Replace with just a hint of glaze. Gone was the sweet, flaky pastry. Replaced with a doughy, bland shell that tasted like mush. Gone was the sweet, sweet cherry filling. Replaced with less than half the filling you’d gotten before and far less tasty.
I had to struggle to finish mine (Hey! I wasn’t letting this thing go to waste). My Favorite daughter offered me hers, but there was no way I was about to eat two of those things. Holy Yuk in the mouth, Batman. There things were awful! It’d been a very long time since I’d been disappointed with a Hostess product.
This might have ruined me for life on these things. I may try again. Hopefully I just go a bad batch, but I don’t think so. I think whoever took over Hostess has no idea what they’re doing. It’s really sad to see one of the best treats go to one of the worst. I’d rather have the 7-11 brand and those weren’t all that great. Perhaps I’ll start making my own pies again. I do have a pie maker. All I need are pie crusts and pie filling. Hmmm, hey, good idea. If Hostess can’t fill that void they left, I’ll have to do it myself.
Seriously, Hostess. Please start making better products. I know there’s a bottom line to consider, but making a terrible product will ensure there is no bottom line. Until you get your act together and start making a product that’s actually edible, I’ll stick to making my own.
I’m off to go make some Cherry Pies.
Until Next Time!
WOO WOO!
J.R. Murdock 